My First Time
by TeamBellasDad
Summary: Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty. Sauron from the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Both tortured souls, looking for their place in the world. They find each other when Maleficent accidently built her lair in Mordor, where Sauron’s lair is. Rated M for a reason
1. Chapter 1

"Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty. Sauron from the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Both tortured souls, looking for their place in the world. They find each other when Maleficent accidently built her lair in Mordor, where Sauron's lair is. I guess you can just walk into Mordor. ANYWAYS rated M for a reason ; ) (HOTT $EX) NO FLAMS PLZ!!!

Once upon a time, in a far away land, there was a beautiful sorceress named Maleficent. She strong resembled Megan Fox. She was very lonely one day, and then met Sauron, and thought he was very attractive. She went up to him all sultry like and held out her hand to him. "Do you like?" she asked, a smirk playing on her lips. "Put a ring on it," she purred sexily. And so he did and Maleficent became Sauron's mistress. Well, wife-mistress. Wife just doesn't sound as sexy and dangerous as "mistress". So mistress Malecifent took an interest in some chick with rose lips and gold hair. Uh oh. I spy hot lesbian action coming along. She had the gift of song and the gift of beauty and the gift of getting her finger pricked and sleeping forever. Who could resist THAT? And even better, the only person who could wake up flower lips was Mavis Beacon. Just kidding. Computers didn't exist then. But glasses did. And so did the ER. Anyway, the only person who could wake up tulip mouth was her one true love. Mistress Malecelephant decided that she would be this person. So she took a stroll over to the Shire. She noticed three fairies there. One fairy was wearing red. "Obviously a handmaid," Malicefont said to herself. The other fairy was wearing green. "A martha!" she said. Then there was a blue fairy with a funny voice who got all angry whenever things happened. And she wiggled in anger. ANGER. And she must have been the husband. Because this is a feminist fanfic and THERE ARE NO MEN. Surprise? Sauron is female. Anyway, Malicifente went to the shire to hook up with the sleeping pansy face. But when she opened the door, there was something that took her by surprise. She jumped backwards and her hands flew to her mouth as she gasped!!!!! There was a MAN in the room. Well, a woman that dressed like a man anyway. But for convenience, we'll just call her a man. It was Little John. You know how I said it was a woman dress up as a man? I lied. Or changed my mind. It's a bear. A BEAR. Her boobs are made from money and apples. How could Malifbart compete with THAT? So Magnificent had a plan. Stuff her bra with whatever she could find. First she found a chicken. She put it in the left one. She was uneven. So she had to find another chicken, when she realized the chicken was angry and actually ate her left boob and ran off. So now she was just screwed. So she settled for vegetables, which don't usually grow teeth and eat breasts. But you know, she couldn't take her chances so she covered the vegetable (probably a carrot. And not baby carrots. Fucking ass BIG carrots.) with lacy silk… to block the teeth. Black lacy silk. With garters. Now she was very pointy. She was ready. So she went back to the Shire and walked in on poppy gob and and Little John getting it on, and she was like "OODLADDY CHECK ME OUT!" And so Flower Face did and she saw the pointiness and she was smitten. "Now that you are smitten with me," purred Malificientg,"You should tell me your name so I don't have to keep coming up with lame variations of rose lips and flower face and tulip mouth." "My name is ERIN GALEN" she said( PM me for her #). "My name is ERIN GALEN and I love pointy breasts. Well, only if they have garters. Do yours have garters, point breasted woman?" she batted her eyelashes prettily and sexily. "Yes they do. I will show you if you abandon Little John forever and come with me to my laiiiiirrrrr. In MORDOR."

"OODALALLY I SURE WILL, MISS". And so they went off to the lair on a scary mountain in MORDOR. But little did they know that that giant red thing on top of the lair castle was not in fact a giant vagina but a big ass fucking eye of Sauron and Sauron was not amused. Neither was Sailor Moon. Or Draco Malfoy. Or Enoby Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. Who lived in the South Tower. They will be important later. In the chapter titled "The Two Towers." We'll get there eventually. Anyway, Sauron was not amused but he thought, wait, she thought. Sorry. Gender confusion. She thought she be sneaky and not tell Malififitn that she knew anything. So Maglifient went to the dinner that her and Sauron always have just as usual every day. Because there is ALWAYS time to eat dinner with a significant other. "So, Malificent," said Sauron. "I'd lay off on the muffins." "Why?" she asked curiosity overflowing her. "Because if you have a muffin top it will be too obvious that you are evil." "Oh, I guess you are right. I will not have muffins for dinner any more." "Dandy. Now how about we go play with orcs tonight?" "Sounds kinky." "Damn straight oodalallly." "It's getting sort of confusing. I can't tell who is talking." "There are so many quotations." "Here, I am Malefinite." "Ok, I'm Sauron. Now. Kinky orc sex, right?" "Yes. BUT WAIT! I CAN'T!" she said guiltily. "WHYNOT." She stated. "TAKE A CRAZY CHANCE." "I… just can't." She couldn't bear to look Sauren in the eye. " Maleficent," Sauron said. "What is in your dress." And then ERIN GALEN popped out. ERIN GALEN makes for very good bra stuffer (PM me for her #). " I KNEW IT" SAURON SAID LOUDLY. " I AM SO JEALOUS RIGHT NOW YOU DON'T EVENKNOW." And so Sauron closed her giant eye. If you know what I mean. The muffin shop WAS CLOSED. She went to sleep to hide from the world. And then Maleficent saw that this was her chance and took a carrot from her back pocket and stabbed him. Damn. Gender confusion. She stabbed her. Well, no. She stabbed him. This is a feminist fanfic. You can't go killing any girls now. However Sauren was not really dead as he had split himself in several horcruxes. That will be further explained in Chapter 54 "Harry Potter iand the Deathly Hallows." Anyway. I want you to keep in mind now that Malificentn is wearing a ring. On her finger. Wink. Nudge. Ok. Moving on. So Mal and ERIN GALEN run away together to Narnia wear they were wed by Aslan. Lesbians are allowed to be married in Narnia. Because they are in the closet. I've always wondered about that. If there are so many gay people in the closet, WHY would they ever LEAVE? Anyway, back to Little John. Little John is heartbroken. First Robin Hood left him and now Flower mouth has left. He had two goals. Kill Maid Marian and kill Malifient.

STAY TUNED FOR HOW HE WILL KILL THEM TOMORROW WHEN I WRITE MORE. IT TAKES A WHILE BECAUSE I HAVE TO LOOK INTO SHAKESPEARE A LOT WHILE I WRITE THIS. I LOVE MY AWESOME BETA. MUAH. OKKKKK. I'M JUST SAYING. SHE IS REALLY AWESOME. I KNOW HOW IT CAN GET REALLYANNOYING WHEN AUTHORS NOTES BECOME LONGER THAN THE ACTUAL STORY BUT I REALLY RALLLY WANT TO TELL YALL THIS. LIKE YESTERDAY SHE BOUGHT ME A CAR. A FUCKING CAR. FULL OF BETA FISH. DO YOU GET IT? BETA FISH! SHE IS SO HILARIOUS. I MEAN LIKE THEY ALL DIED LIKE RIGHT AFTER I STARTED DRIVING THE CAR BECAUSE ID ONT HAVE MY LISCENCE AND THEY WEREIN FISH BOWLS MADE OF GLASS AND THEY DIDN'T HAVE AIRBAGS TO KEEP THEM FROM LIKE SHATTERING SO THEY DID SHATTER AND IT WAS LIKE glaaaaaaaasss EVERYWHERE. IN MYNEW FUKIN CAR. FUK. FUUUUUUUc. AND THEN LIKE AS THEY WERE SUFFOCATING FROM LACK OF OXYGEN DISSOLVED IN WATER THEY REALIZED THEY WERE ALL MALES AND JUST STARTED KILLING EACH OTHER. BETA FISH ARE VICIOUS. LIKE ALL MEN. FUCK MEN. THE END.


	2. Chapter 2

My First Fanfiction Chapter 2

Little John had a weapon to kill. When Maleficent left all in a frenzy because ERIN GALEN became smitten with her and then stuffed ERIN GALEN in her shirt and placed the carrots in her back pocket, she accidentally DROPPED A CARROT. So now Little John had a carrot (and not a baby carrot, a fucking ass BIG carrot). So Little John adjusted his breasts (remember he's not really male but we are just calling him male because it's easier even though males don't exist) of apples and gold and set on his way to Nottingham, his birth place, and the home of his former lover. ROBIN HOOD. Robin Hood was a beautiful female fox that liked wearing green and shooting arrows through her hats because she also liked sewing in her spare time and she could only sew hats so she literally had like freaking 500 hats and she refused to wear a new one until the current one had a hole in it so she couldn't go through all of her hats unless she shot holes through them or got other people to shoot holes through them. She liked giving them to people for their birthdays too and usually people were pretty excited to get the hats even though they were always the same hat because Robin Hood could only sew one type of hat. Interestingly enough, Peter Pan stopped by Nottingham and got one of those hats for his fiftieth 12th birthday. Little John had a weakness for the sleek sexiness of those hats. They made his knees like jelly and his breasts like watermelons. When this happened he was usually able to have a good lunch. Especially if it was during the summer when watermelons are in season. Anyway, before Little John could even consider killing anyone he had to go to Rivendell to consult with elves about the correct moment to kill Maid Marian and then steal Robin Hood for himself. The Elves told him "Lothloro levele vothmothma. Galahandriel risaphel roth lothla." Little John agreed and decided to steal the ring from Maliciofint first. You see, carrots are silly killing weapons but become absolutely lethal when you wear the wedding-mistress ring of MORDOR. After Little John got to MORDOR (he had to climb over a fence to get in so it was pretty difficult), he dyed himself black with red highlights so that he would blend more with his surroundings. He looked hot and he knew it. He climbed into Malififepsy's room, where Malififepsy and ERIN GALEN slept together in the same bed because they are lesbian lovers and that is what lesbian lovers do. He quickly raped them both while they slept and then took Malifiget's ring and put it on his finger. Little John was now INVINCIBLE. He was prepared to kill Malifientc but ERIN GALEN was right next to her and so if he killed Mali he was bound to get blood on ERIN GALEN and ERIN GALEN's lips were like roses and if he got blood on her face then her whole face would be like a giant fucking rose and then that would really awkward and Little John didn't want to deal with it. Plus he was pretty sure he could get Robin Hood back and it would be awkward to have two lovers at the same time and it would probably be a little busy too, so for the sake of time he just let them be and walked away. Little did Little John know just what this powerful ring on his finger carried. Like he knew it carried the power to make carrots deadly but it carried something else too that you will either find out later in this chapter or sometime in "Harry Potter iand the Deathly Hallows". That's going to be a really fucking awesome chapter. Anyway I'm just going to tell you now anyway that the ring was a HORCRUZ and SAURON was in the RING. And so Little John had fucing Sauron on his fucking FINGER. FUCK. But Little John didn't know this so he went on his way to Nottingham so he could kill Maid Marian with a carrot. After he had killed Maid Marian with a carrot, Robin Hood did not seem as happy to see Little John as Little John would have hoped. Robin Hood was apparently a little touchy about death by carrots. But luckily Robin was able to throw one of her hats in the way just before the carrot impaled Maid Marians face so she got a hole in her hat from the carrot and she could put on a new one. That made her pretty pleased even though she was pretty sad the Maid Marian was carrot-impaled. Little John fell to his knee in front of Robin and asked Robin to marry him. Robin was pretty okay with this because she had a new hat on and because Maid Marian wasn't really a real character in the Robin Hood legends anyway. They just added her to make the legends less gay (not that they were gay in the first place). Which is weird because Maid Marian is a girl and so is Robin Hood. So really the homophobes that changed it were really homophiles. And moving on, Robin Hood said good bye to her Merry Women and went on a honey moon with Little John. Little John gave Robin Hood the horcrux ring and Robin was like WOW that's awesome. And then Sauron CAME BACK TO LIFE while Robin and Little John were having tea and biscuits. Robin thought it was a gaping vagina and was very unhappy but Little John set her straight and told her it was just a really big eye and not a gaping vagina. And then the gaping vagina ate them both.


End file.
